MOURNING

is so very odd. The sweet memories come in such unexpected places. A Bible verse in Deuteronomy for Ron today. A song at church for me. This part is not odd. This is the part of mourning that I expected.

What I didn't expect is this place I am in--which is no place at all. I had a wonderful 24 hour camping time with Arcie, and I am exhausted. The exhaustion is odd. A verse in Deuteronomy encourages parents to tell children about God all through the day. I did that with Arcie. In a way she is my spiritual child. She knows so little. I am teaching her little bit by little bit. It was wonderful -- but I am exhausted.

Little things exhaust me. I have an aversion to all kinds of things -- mostly commitments. Cody is exhausting. And yet, Cody keeps us going. There is nothing like a young animal or person that NEEDS you.

I need to be spoiled - to do what I want when I want. And I need to be pushed to do things. So Cody and Spanish class push me. But every once in awhile, like today -- I just sit down and do NOT. Today I am NOT doing anything until I want to. I've spent two lovely hours sorting photos in MY PICTURES. Nonsensical - yet good. Nobody needed me to do this - I just wanted to.

Mourning is odd because mourning touches every facet of my life but is just beyond knowing. "Why am I doing this? thinking this? rebelling against that?" I don't really know. My universe has made a major shift - and the rest of me is trying to catch up.

I used to think of mourning and grieving as being sad. Mourning is mostly quizzical, "How come she is not here?" How can someone who was such an integral part of my life all of a sudden NOT be part of my life?